What relationship coaching is, and what it is not
For professionalsSeptember 4, 2026
I have a lot to say on most subjects. Relationship coaching is a tender one for me, because the field gets a somewhat jaded rap. I understand some of what people object to. I still do not really understand the resistance.
There is real value in the range of help available to somebody struggling in a relationship, and to somebody who simply wants what they already have to be better. That is as true for a couple thirty years in as it is for a person who has not started dating yet. The traditional route was to ask family, friends, a teacher, a clergy member. When things got bad enough, people went to a licensed professional. Over the last stretch of years the stigma around asking for help has thinned considerably, and coaching has grown into the space that opened up.
The looser structure is the point
Part of what draws people to relationship coaching is that it gives the coach more room in how they work with the person in front of them. It comes with less oversight than the licensed professions, and I would argue that is the very thing that lets a coach build something that fits one particular person rather than pushing that person into a category.
For anyone who assumes that less oversight must mean a lesser product, my answer is that oversight does not manufacture excellent practitioners. What steers people toward good help in any field is their own diligence and their own vetting, and this field is no different.
When one of my daughters was in third grade she started complaining of a stiff neck and headaches. We took her to a slew of doctors trying to find out what was wrong. We knew something was off; we had no idea what. A well-regarded neurologist told us with certainty that it was childhood depression. We felt like we finally had a plan, and we started working out how to handle it. A few days later we got a script for an MRI, and it turned out she was not depressed at all. She had a cyst in her spinal cord. That well-regarded neurologist could not have been more wrong.
I do not think all neurologists are incompetent just because that one was. What we realized is that the burden had been ours all along. No number of degrees, certifications or governing bodies was going to cancel out that man's cockiness and sloppiness. Better research on our part might have spared us something hurtful, and potentially harmful.
None of which is to say that ethical codes and regulated structure are not worth having. In many ways they plainly are. I am saying something narrower: relationships are delicate and particular enough that there is no one size that fits all of them, and the more solid options on the table, the better.
Coaches need training, and they need lanes
For a broader public to take relationship coaching as seriously as I do, the coaches themselves need real training. I meet people all the time who want to help, who have decent things to say, and who do not know best practices. People reach for styles and techniques they are not actually proficient in.
The thing I would put above all of it is learning to stay in your lane — knowing what you can offer and what you cannot. I am something of an anomaly in this field given my academic and professional background, and I do not say that as a boast. I say it because it is the reason I am unusually alert to where the edges are. Anyone who is serious about this work and has a propensity for it can do real good, provided they know where their own edges sit.
The question I get most
The most common question I get is what coaching is not, and specifically how it differs from therapy. Coaching is not therapy, and a coach is not a therapist. Therapy tends to concern itself with the reasons behind behaviors and thought patterns, which means a deep dive backwards. A coach is looking at who you are today, and at what you want to do about the thing in front of you now.
I think this work goes best when it is holistic and still tailored to one person. Holistic means that the emotional, the practical and the spiritual sides of somebody's life all get to be in the room. Tailored means that broad principles get turned into something specific enough to actually matter to the person sitting across from me. Both at once is what makes the work land rather than glance off.
I also tell people that it should not last forever. I am sensitive to what this costs in time and money, and the honest shape of it is: give the tools, give the guidance, do the work the relationship needs now, and then move on. That is closer in spirit to the short-term, goal-focused approaches that help people build solutions than to anything open-ended.
Where I think coaching earns its keep
- It is action-oriented. Coaches tend to work proactively, with practical tools for a specific problem, which suits somebody who wants a tangible improvement rather than an excavation. Much of it is skill-building, so people can handle the next round themselves.
- It is short-term. A few months, or until the thing you came in for is done.
- It is customizable. This is my favorite part. The approach bends to the particular dynamic between two particular people.
- It is a partnership. Coach and client work as something closer to equals, with shared responsibility for where this goes. Small wins get named as wins, which is most of what keeps people going.
- It is pointed forward. Goals you can actually see arriving, and a plan you can act on this week.
Underneath all five is the premise I work from, which I have set out in more detail in the method: most relationship problems are not caused by a lack of love. They are caused by what people do when love feels threatened. Coaching is well suited to that, because that is a thing you can notice, own and change now, rather than a thing you have to fully explain first.
My hope is to be some kind of catalyst here — to open a route for people to get help in a way that is safe, non-judgmental and healthy, and to hold the field to a standard that makes it worth taking seriously.
A version of this piece first appeared at The Times of Israel.