From the method
Four patterns.
Most relationship problems are not caused by a lack of love. They are caused by what people do when love feels threatened.
These are the four things people reach for. Almost everybody does some version of one of them, and most people have never had a name for theirs. A pattern is something you reach for, not something you are.
- 01The PursuerMoves closer when it's shaky, even when closer isn't what's needed.Read the Pursuer
- 02The WithdrawerGoes quiet right when more is asked for, not less.Read the Withdrawer
- 03The ControllerTakes charge of an outcome nobody asked to be managed.Read the Controller
- 04The DefenderMakes sure the record stays balanced before anyone gets heard.Read the Defender
What people do when love feels threatened
Anxiety rises, old wounds get touched, and people begin trying to regulate themselves through somebody else. They:
- pursue
- withdraw
- control
- defend
- criticize
- over-explain
- demand reassurance
- shut down
Those eight group into the four patterns above. The method is here.