The four patterns · 04 of 04
The Defender
Makes sure the record stays balanced before anyone gets heard.
It is what a person reaches for when love feels threatened, not a description of who they are. Almost everybody does some version of it.
What it looks like
Four everyday moments, and what the Defender tends to do in each.
01
They tell you something you did hurt them.
I remind them of a time they did the same thing
02
They make a decision without asking you.
I point out a time they wanted me to ask first
03
They are on their phone while you are talking.
I note that I listen when they talk
04
You realise you were wrong about something during an argument.
I mention it, but bring up what they got wrong too
What it protects
Defending is a way of making sure you are not left holding all the blame alone. If the record is balanced, the moment feels survivable.
What it costs
To the other person, it can feel like nothing ever gets to just be about them. Every hurt gets met with a counterpoint, and the original thing that mattered gets lost in the accounting.
How it shows up
The same pattern looks different depending on who it is happening with.
In dating
Early disagreements are where defending tends to show up: a small hurt gets met with a counterpoint. The other person can start to feel that nothing gets to be just about them.
See the Dating program“Will this relationship make me happy?”
“Do I have the emotional skills to build something healthy with another person?”
In the early years of a marriage
Two people each making sure the record is balanced is how a small disagreement turns into an accounting of everything. The original thing that mattered gets lost along the way.
See the Young Marrieds program“We need to communicate better.”
“How do we talk so that defensiveness stops being necessary?”
With a teenager
When a teenager says something you did hurt them, a Defender tends to answer with context, or with what they did too. It is an understandable reach, and it can close the door they just opened.
See the Parents of Teens program“How do I get my child back in line?”
“How do I stay an effective parent when I cannot control my child's inner world?”
When the marriage has become a battlefield
Every hurt met with a counterpoint builds a record neither person can set down. Owning your part before the record is settled feels like conceding the whole thing, and it is usually the move that lets the conversation be about what happened.
See the High-Conflict Marriage program“Which partner is causing the problem?”
“What keeps happening between them, and what is each one feeding it?”
Who it tends to meet
Another Defender, most combustibly — two people each trying to make sure the record is balanced, with nobody actually being heard.
The first step
My work is four movements. Each pattern has one where most of the work is. For a Defender it is Blame → Ownership.
Reactivity
Responsibility
Blame
Ownership
Most of the work for you
Control
Influence
Emotional fusion
Differentiation
Owning your part before the record is settled feels like conceding the whole thing. It is usually the move that lets the conversation finally be about what happened.
The question that helps you start: given what I am feeling right now, who do I want to be in this relationship?
A short email series on the Defender
What this pattern does under pressure, and how to start moving out of it. Leave your email and it starts arriving.
Not sure this one is yours? Twelve questions, about three minutes.
If you want to work on it
There is a program for each situation above.
Writing on this pattern
Pieces on this pattern are on their way. In the meantime, the rest of the writing is here.