The four patterns · 03 of 04
The Controller
Takes charge of an outcome nobody asked to be managed.
It is what a person reaches for when love feels threatened, not a description of who they are. Almost everybody does some version of it.
What it looks like
Four everyday moments, and what the Controller tends to do in each.
01
Your partner is quieter than usual and you do not know why.
I try to fix whatever I think is wrong
02
They make a decision without asking you.
I tell them how it should have been decided
03
They say they need space.
I decide how much space is reasonable
04
Things have been good for a while and you notice yourself waiting for something to go wrong.
I start managing things so nothing can go wrong
What it protects
Taking charge is a way of making an unpredictable moment feel survivable. If you can direct what happens next, you don't have to sit with not knowing how it ends.
What it costs
The other person can experience it as being managed rather than met. Even good solutions land badly when they arrive before anyone asked for them.
How it shows up
The same pattern looks different depending on who it is happening with.
In dating
Taking charge early can look like decisiveness, and it can also be a way of not sitting with how this might end. The other person can feel managed rather than met.
See the Dating program“Am I attracted enough?”
“Do I actually enjoy being close to this person?”
In the early years of a marriage
In the early years, a Controller often has a clear picture of how things should be decided, and a spouse who has a different one. Even good solutions land badly when they arrive before anyone asked for them.
See the Young Marrieds program“Why isn't my partner doing this the way I expected?”
“How do we build a relationship that works for both of us?”
With a teenager
Parenting a teenager is where control tends to run out of road. Influence is slower and it holds. It means saying what you would want and living with the fact that they get a vote in how this goes.
See the Parents of Teens program“Why is my teenager doing this to me?”
“What is developmental here, and how do I move from control to influence?”
When the marriage has become a battlefield
When two people are each trying to direct how a conflict gets resolved, neither is really being heard. Underneath, it is often two people each trying to make an unpredictable moment feel survivable.
See the High-Conflict Marriage program“Which partner is causing the problem?”
“What keeps happening between them, and what is each one feeding it?”
Who it tends to meet
Another Controller, or a Withdrawer who has learned that going along is easier than pushing back — neither of which resolves anything.
The first step
My work is four movements. Each pattern has one where most of the work is. For a Controller it is Control → Influence.
Reactivity
Responsibility
Blame
Ownership
Control
Influence
Most of the work for you
Emotional fusion
Differentiation
Influence is slower and it holds. It means saying what you would want and then living with the fact that the other person gets a vote in how this goes.
The question that helps you start: given what I am feeling right now, who do I want to be in this relationship?
A short email series on the Controller
What this pattern does under pressure, and how to start moving out of it. Leave your email and it starts arriving.
Not sure this one is yours? Twelve questions, about three minutes.
If you want to work on it
There is a program for each situation above.
Writing on this pattern
Pieces on this pattern are on their way. In the meantime, the rest of the writing is here.