The four patterns · 01 of 04
The Pursuer
Moves closer when it's shaky, even when closer isn't what's needed.
It is what a person reaches for when love feels threatened, not a description of who they are. Almost everybody does some version of it.
What it looks like
Four everyday moments, and what the Pursuer tends to do in each.
01
Your partner is quieter than usual and you do not know why.
I ask, and then ask again, until I know we are okay
02
You have been waiting hours for a reply to a message.
I send another message, checking if everything is okay
03
They say they need space.
I ask how much space, and when we'll talk again
04
Things have been good for a while and you notice yourself waiting for something to go wrong.
I check in more, to catch it early if something shifts
What it protects
Underneath it is a fear of disappearing from the relationship, or from the person, without them noticing. Moving toward feels like the only way to make sure you still matter.
What it costs
The other person often experiences it as pressure. The more you move toward, the more room they feel they need, which can pull them into exactly the distance you were trying to prevent.
How it shows up
The same pattern looks different depending on who it is happening with.
In dating
Early on, a Pursuer tends to want to know where things stand before there is much to know. To the other person the reaching can feel like interest, and it can also be the part of you that needs to hear that you still matter.
See the Dating program“Am I attracted enough?”
“Do I actually enjoy being close to this person?”
In the early years of a marriage
When the newness wears off and your spouse gets quieter, the pull is to ask again until you know you are okay. The work is asking because you want to know, rather than because you cannot sit with not knowing.
See the Young Marrieds program“We need to communicate better.”
“How do we talk so that defensiveness stops being necessary?”
With a teenager
With a teenager, moving toward can look like more questions, more check-ins, more attempts to be let in. A teenager who is pulling away often experiences that as pressure, which can send them further off.
See the Parents of Teens program“How do I get my child back in line?”
“How do I stay an effective parent when I cannot control my child's inner world?”
When the marriage has become a battlefield
In a marriage where most conversations have become a fight, a Pursuer can keep reaching long after the other person has gone quiet. Each attempt makes sense from the inside, and each one can be part of what sends the other further away.
See the High-Conflict Marriage program“Which partner is causing the problem?”
“What keeps happening between them, and what is each one feeding it?”
Who it tends to meet
Withdrawer. One moves closer, the other moves further, and each response makes sense of the other, which is what makes the pattern so hard to see from inside it.
The first step
My work is four movements. Each pattern has one where most of the work is. For a Pursuer it is Emotional fusion → Differentiation.
Reactivity
Responsibility
Blame
Ownership
Control
Influence
Emotional fusion
Differentiation
Most of the work for you
A self steady enough that you do not need their reassurance to feel okay — so you can ask because you want to know, rather than because you cannot sit with not knowing.
The question that helps you start: given what I am feeling right now, who do I want to be in this relationship?
A short email series on the Pursuer
What this pattern does under pressure, and how to start moving out of it. Leave your email and it starts arriving.
Not sure this one is yours? Twelve questions, about three minutes.
If you want to work on it
There is a program for each situation above.
Writing on this pattern
Pieces on this pattern are on their way. In the meantime, the rest of the writing is here.