The four patterns · 02 of 04
The Withdrawer
Goes quiet right when more is asked for, not less.
It is what a person reaches for when love feels threatened, not a description of who they are. Almost everybody does some version of it.
What it looks like
Four everyday moments, and what the Withdrawer tends to do in each.
01
They tell you something you did hurt them.
I go flat. I stop talking
02
A conversation is escalating and you can feel it.
I end it. I need out of the room
03
You disagree in front of other people.
I go along with it until we're alone
04
You have apologised and they are still upset.
I stop bringing it up
What it protects
Going quiet is usually protecting you from saying something you can't take back, or from being overwhelmed by more feeling than you know what to do with in the moment.
What it costs
To the other person, the silence rarely reads as self-protection. It reads as leaving, and the longer it goes on, the more it can look like you don't care, even when the opposite is true.
How it shows up
The same pattern looks different depending on who it is happening with.
In dating
Going quiet early can look like disinterest when it is closer to being overwhelmed. The other person rarely sees the self-protection, only the silence.
See the Dating program“Will this relationship make me happy?”
“Do I have the emotional skills to build something healthy with another person?”
In the early years of a marriage
When a disagreement heats up, a Withdrawer tends to end it or go flat, which can keep something from being said that can't be taken back. It can also leave your spouse alone with all of it.
See the Young Marrieds program“How do we stop fighting?”
“How do we fight in a way that does less damage and reveals more truth?”
With a teenager
With a teenager, stepping back can look like giving them room. Sometimes it is that, and sometimes it is the pull to leave the room before you chose to. Noticing which one it is, early, is most of the work.
See the Parents of Teens program“Why is my teenager doing this to me?”
“What is developmental here, and how do I move from control to influence?”
When the marriage has become a battlefield
When a marriage has become a battlefield, going quiet can feel like the only safe move. To your spouse, the longer it goes on, the more it can look like you don't care, even when the opposite is true.
See the High-Conflict Marriage program“How do we get past this?”
“What has to happen for safety and trust to have any chance of being rebuilt?”
Who it tends to meet
Pursuer. The more one goes quiet, the more the other reaches, and the more the other reaches, the more reason the first one finds to go quiet.
The first step
My work is four movements. Each pattern has one where most of the work is. For a Withdrawer it is Reactivity → Responsibility.
Reactivity
Responsibility
Most of the work for you
Blame
Ownership
Control
Influence
Emotional fusion
Differentiation
Going quiet is fast and it happens before you choose it. The work is noticing the pull to leave the room early enough that you can say you need a minute, instead of just going.
The question that helps you start: given what I am feeling right now, who do I want to be in this relationship?
A short email series on the Withdrawer
What this pattern does under pressure, and how to start moving out of it. Leave your email and it starts arriving.
Not sure this one is yours? Twelve questions, about three minutes.
If you want to work on it
There is a program for each situation above.
Writing on this pattern
Pieces on this pattern are on their way. In the meantime, the rest of the writing is here.